It's a Long Road

One day I sat alone in silence. A voice asked, "Do I know you?." Then, more silence. I knew there was something wrong deep inside. Not knowing who I was and feeling abandoned and alone was awful. I had abandoned me many years before the silence set in and did not realize there was someone missing. When finding out part of me was lost I couldn’t post signs on the bulletin boards or downtown on the light posts. Nobody would find her because I couldn’t even find her. It was time to rediscover the person I lived with, me.

I decided it was time to take a trip back in time. There was this road called, "discovering me". Not sure of where the road would lead, I took the turn. Hoping it would lead to a better place than where I was. When I turned the corner and saw signs of inner self, believe in you and others like you can be happy!

On this road of discovery there was a gigantic neon sign that read, "No U-Turns!" It seemed not too bad at first. Although, the road started to twist and turn and the surface was getting slippery. That is when I saw the mountains! Awe they were so beautiful! Snow capped mountains with trees and trails to walk along. I parked in the first spot. The sign in front of the spot read, "Abandonment". This is where it started getting a little tricky. Time was passing and it was now time to learning about the inner child, who was lost in those mountains. I hear her voice calling and an echo followed through the trees. There was no one there to help. It is only I, who could find her.

As the days and months passed I kept returning to this mountain.

To be continued...

Happier times will come.

Spirits and souls change as our time in life flies by in the wind.
Sadness overcomes me and I grieve for things that will never again happen in my life. It feels strange and scary at the same time. Being in mid-life is tough as it is. Coming up to new life happenings is interesting, scary, and I try to accept newness with open arms. Being happy with this life I have created is one thing. Try being happy knowing that I will never have to worry about being asked to dance by a young handsome person, going on a first date, being sent flowers for the first time by a new love. Looking for a date online will never happen. I feel so close to death when I think about these enjoyable, scary and never again events.

What is there to come in the last half of this life?

Whatever I can add to my life to make it interesting and create my own happiness. As I see the trees swaying in the wind thoughts of death come to me. This is the last place I am ever going to live, the last place I am ever going to own, the last place I will call home. Yup, this is it. I shrug my shoulders and do not know what else to say to myself.

Trying to change the thoughts that swirl in my head. Telling myself, "You are still young. You have so much ahead of you in this life and so much more to learn!" Then I start to argue with myself, "but life is half over" "now what do I do?" "what's next?" Is there something I can do to help someone? Is there someone that can help me? My mind goes on and on until the wee hours of the morning. I wake in the tomorrow that I thought would never come.

What is in store for today?

I slowly slide my foot out from under the blankets, oh geeez it's cold, bring my foot back under the warm covers. Close my eyes and try to remember what I was dreaming about. Little bits of the dream come back to surface. Eyes open wide, no I can't think about that again.

Then I decide, if I am quick enough, I can grab my clothes and run into the bathroom where it is warm. OK 1,2,3....throw the blankets aside get up grab clothes run as fast as I can down the hall to the bathroom . (Trailer life is nice, every room is close and small, not much cleaning and more time for me and the animals) Not far to run mind you, but the floor is so cold. Toss my clothes in front of the heater and stand there a minute to try to warm my toes.

My brain is foggy and my body is stiff and achy. I have to eat something or faint. Get dressed in nice warm clothes. Head to the kitchen and the dogs are trying to get there before me. (it is tough walking in a narrow hallway with three dogs trying to get to the kitchen before you.)

Fill the kettle and think about blogging, groups, and what I will write about today. Nothing comes to mind, but everything pops into my head about what I don't want to think about. Death, sadness, the cold weather.

To be continued...